You know, maybe I should call this the AT&T blog, seeing as I talk to them regularly and am on a nickname basis with 82% of their representatives. For example, on my most recent call I learned that Raoul has a huge crush on Jenny in cubicle 5, but is afraid to ask her out for fear of being rejected by Jenny’s 6 foot 5 280 pound boyfriend.
But before I learned that, I went through a dishearteningly familiar process involving non-intelligent IVRs and even more non-intelligent CSRs. My call went something like this (note: I am not making over 96% of this up):
Mysterious IVR Voice (MIV): “Thank you for calling AT&T. If you need help in Spanish, please learn English and call back so we can speak to you in Hindi.”
[Pause, I imagine to allow frantic searching of the Spanish-English-Hindi dictionary.]
MIV: “Please enter or say your ten-digit wireless number now.”
Me (Me): [Presses keys. Like I’m dumb enough to think the MIV can understand me if I talk? Riiiight.]
MIV: “Okay, now I can help you if you say things like ‘I want to pay my bill,’ or ‘Technical Assistance.'”
Me [Sighing heavily, realizing I must speak at this point]: “I want to–“
MIV: “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Me: “I didn’t finish what I—“
MIV: “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Me: “Why you–“
MIV: “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Please wait while I transfer you to a customer service representative. But first, please enter or say the last four digits of your social security number, your five-digit zip code, and the 376,435th digit of pi.”
Me: [Inputs random numbers]
MIV: “Thank you. Your call is very important to us. All of our representatives are currently assisting other customers”–teaching them seppuku, I’m certain–“and your current expected wait time is over 30 minutes.”
Me: “Of course it is.”
So I wait for a while, listening to music that should get cancer and die, and every 30 seconds I hear, “Your call is important blah blah blah.” Finally, CSR number 1 picks up.
CSR 1: “Thanks for choosing AT&T, my name is [mumbles so I won’t be able to indentify him later]. We really appreciate your business. How can I help you today?”
I explain that my minute usage is still being displayed incorrectly on their web site, despite 17 previous calls to customer service and 17 previous promises to correct the problem. He asks for my name, my phone number, my address, my social security number, and other information that I have already given to the IVR. After several minutes of going “Hm…” and breathing heavily, he informed me that he would have to transfer me to another representative because he was too incompetent to do his job. The wait time, I was assured, would be hideously long.
After another long listen to some happy muzak, CSR number 2 answers. I say I have a question about my usage. She said, and I quote, “I’m sorry, our systems are currently updating and we cannot access anyone’s account at the moment. You can call back later or I can transfer you. Maybe by the time someone else picks up the systems will be updated.”
After another eternity in hell, CSR number 3 picks up. After asking for my phone number (which, if you’re keeping track at home, I had given twice already), she said, “Oh, you have a GSM account. I need to transfer you to the GSM department.”
And finally, six hours later, CSR number 4, “Raoul,” answers. After giving my information for the 32nd time and explaining the situation, Raoul “investigates” the situation while telling me all about Jenny and her womanly wiles. I pressed the issue of my minutes usage, and eventually Raoul told me that the web site was new and so it might not be “categorizing” the minutes “correctly.” I would probably be billed incorrectly, too, and have to call back in to get a credit. Incidentally, would I like a free seppuku kit?
I thanked him for my time, and told him to go after Jenny. After all, I noted, you never know when or where true love will strike. My hope is square on the nose, and maybe a kick or two in the crotch.