Ackbar the Squid and Grass Monkey Destroy the Sectabot
by Patrick Tolman
2001 Patrick Tolman
This story concerns all the people who have discovered the existence of the Sect and have broken free of its evil grasp. Sadly, many have been assimilated into the Sect's collective. I could explain the process of assimilation but you would probably stop reading from horror and/or disgust. One time I tried explaining it to someone and they spontaneously combusted. So since I want you to read on I will spare you a combustion in a spontaneous sort of way. This story and the characters therein are real. They are based on a true story from my imagination. So now you Know, and according to GI Joe Knowing is half the battle. GO JOE!
Editor's note: This is a different type of Grass Monkey story, as was Bandy's Other Friend. In many ways, this story goes outside the bounds of the Grass Monkey tradition. For example, Grass Monkey utters no poetry. On the other hand, in many ways, this story is right on Grass Monkey straight and narrow, with many references that may mean nothing to you and may never be explained. It's one big inside joke, but if you're on the Inside, it's hi-freaking-larious.
Editor's other note: This represents a part of the basic storyline for the Sectland Fugitives series, and may not necessarily be worded like this in the final version.
It was a humid day, like usual, as Ackbar and Grass walked down Rue Ste. Catherine. The sun burned down as if Flower Power Mario was in the sky shooting fireballs down on them. But despite the chaleur they pressed on further down the street, but most importantly further from Sect Center where Grass had come to save Ackbar from insanity. Grass and Ackbar had ditched Belka the Blowfish at Sect Center and took off for O'CD.
"You know, Grass," Ackbar gurgle in his squidish voice, "I think Sect Center is up to something lately, something big. My squid intuition is going crazy."
"Yeah, me too," Grass began. "When I got to Sect Center today I heard Glade the Grasshopper and Pierce the Purple Sock talking about something and I caught them saying that it was important that you and I not find out."
Suddenly Ackbar stopped, staring at the lightpost in front of him.
"What's up?" Grass asked.
"Look at this paper--it says Lisa the Loeb is missing. Look how hot she is!" Ackbar said, his fishy eyes wide open.
"What's a Loeb?" Grass asked, looking at the fiche.
"I don't know, but she's hot," Ackbar said.
"She is all that is good," Grass said. "We should save her, shouldn't we?"
"Yeah, but let's go to O'CD first," Ackbar said, turning and continuing to walk down the street. Grass followed quickly.
They arrived shortly thereafter at O'CD and set about looking for some cool tunes to chill to. They found a BNL Stunt CD and went to the listening post and began listening to the music of the Ladies of a Barenaked sort. As they stood there chillin' they noticed Tyrone the Walking Stick across the street staring1 at them. They recognized him immediately as one of Sect Center's henchmen out to try to make people "feel better about themselves," but secretly destroying their will to live. Suddenly Tyrone realized that Grass and Ackbar were looking back at him and he turned and began walking away. Immediately Ackbar and Grass took off their headphones and took off to follow Tyrone.
They followed him all the way down to Place de la Victoire where they watched Tyrone stop underneath the big arch. Tyrone bent over and pushed a tile on the ground and suddenly a small chess board appeared. Ackbar and Grass watched closely, carefully secluded where Tyrone wouldn't be able to see them.2 They watched as Tyrone moved the black queen and put the white king into checkmate and suddenly Tyrone and the chess board disappeared.
Tout de suite Ackbar and Grass walked under the arch and began pushing tiles. It only took a moment before they found the one that produced the chess board. The move was simple; Grass moved the queen quickly and the checkmate was made. Soudainement they were no longer at Place de la Victoire. They were in a huge hallway with metal walls.
They began walking down the hall and quickly came to an opening into a huge cylindrical missile launch-type bay. They were on a scaffolding and below them they saw It--exactly what Glade and Pierce were trying to hide from them. A huge robot that looked somewhat like Alexandr from Final Fantasy III.
"What is it?" Grass asked.
"It must be the Sectabot talked about in the Sect's Book of False Traditions," Ackbar said, noticing that at the bottom of the cylindrical bay was a large pool of water.
Suddenly they saw two huge doors open on the scaffold below them and Sect memebers began flowing in. There were Tyrone, Glade, Pierce, Connault the Coughing Camel, Bobo the Blue Baboon, Blackburn the Brown Bleep, Choo the Choking Chicken, and many, many others. But what surprised them most was that at Tyrone's side was a tied of Lisa the Loeb.
"Whoa, it's them that kidnapped Lisa," Ackbar said.
"Yeah, and whatever a Loeb is, it's way hot," Grass replied.
Then Tyrone began to speak. "The Sect leaders have put me in charge of unveiling the Sectabot to you today. As we all know the Sectabot's purpose is to assimilate those of a weaker mind into our strong collective. The Sectabot simply inhales the victim and puts them through the Sectoration Process, and when they come out we have a new Sect member. We figured that this so-called Loeb would make a wonderful first demonstration." Tyrone finished his speech and turned to the control panel behind him and the crowd's cheer erupted.
"NO!" Ackbar and Grass yelled together.
Startled, Tyrone spun around, his stickish arms flailing wildly. His arms spun directly into Lisa who, unable to steady herself with her arms, was knocked right over the scaffold and she fell two stories down into the pool below.
Ackbar wasted no time, he being an aquatic type person, and dove from his four story high scaffold into the pool below. He got hold quickly of Lisa and undid her ties as he brought her back to the surface. By that time Grass had swung down the scaffold to the next one down where all the Sect was.
"Well, well, if it isn't Grass Monkey," Tyrone said as he turned to hit the inhale button on the Sectabot. But Grass was too quick. He spun and kicked Tyrone, sending him right off the scaffold and down to the pool.
"I can't swim!" Tyrone yelled as he fell.3 He splashed into the pool and kicked and thrashed. Meanwhile Ackbar and Lisa had found a ladder and were climbing out of the pool.
The Blackburn stepped up to take on Grass and the fire in Grass's eyes burned as first he wrapped his tail around Blackburn's neck and then began throwing pummel after pummel. Then Grass got so fired up that he let go and did a Bum Rush, circling around Blackburn at a blinding speed. When he was done Blackburn winked out of existence because all of his 200 HP was gone.4
By then Ackbar and Lisa were on the scaffold with everyone else and the huge crowd of Sect members were ready to gang up and get the three, but before they could even start Lisa threw her arms in the air and yelled "Bahamut." Suddenly in the air above them a huge dragon type beast appeared. Lisa pointed her finger at the Sect and the dragon opened fire so to speak, destroying the Sect in the blink of an eye. Then she pointed at the Sectabot and the dragon turned and tore into it with its massive claws, quickly tearing the robot to shreds. Then Lisa snapped her fingers and Bahamut disappeared.
Ackbar and Grass stood with their mouths opened and Lisa furnished her story. "I was walking down Ste. Catherine and when I walked under the Victoire arch a chess board appeared, and the checkmate was so obvious that I moved the piece and suddenly I was here where they caught me."
"So what's a Loeb exactly?" Grass asked.
"It's a Caller," Lisa said, and Grass understood immediately.
"Thanks for saving me," Lisa said, patting Ackbar on the back and walking over to Grass. "You know, you're kind of cute. Do you want to go out sometime?"
"Do I ever," Grass said as Lisa bent over and kissed him on the cheek.
Grass put his arm around Lisa and they all exited through the door that said Sortie above it, knowing that for now they had defeated the Sect.
1. How they knew he was staring at them is a mystery since walking sticks don't have eyes.
2. I thought we already discussed this: walking sticks don't have eyes. How could he see them anyway?
3. He forgot that sticks float.
4. Okay, he didn't really have HP, but the point is that Grass kicked his trash.